Catching up...

I had a lovely time at the 'do' Saturday evening. Had a wine for everyone as promised, but stuck to white (not so many drinking that - so there was more in the bottle!!!). Slightly hungover Sunday but still managed to get to 9.00am Mass, so not too bad.

I finished my overtime work on Monday as the school holidays are looming and I don't go to work during the holidays, it's too much trouble sorting out childcare and I can't expect Mum to help out all the time. I'll still be working Saturday's and if the weekday branch gets really desperate and I can sort Elizabeth then I may go in for a day or two. I really hope they don't ring though as I could do with the break.

I went to a meeting at the secondary school I'm a governor at on Tuesday morning. This was to discuss a new government initiative known as BSF (Building Schools for the Future). There was a small contingent from the governing body, the Head and a number of Local Authority Education personnel. Luckily I was able to follow along quite well and I did make a few comments and ask a questions. The thing is, when I'm in this sort of situation, the non-school staff don't know me from Adam and only recognise me as a member of the governors' and as far as they're concerned I'm knowledgable about what they're talking about - and the jargon: they speak 'to' me as though I understand everything. A lot of the time I don't. I'm just a Mum at home who does an occasional part-time job in a building society.

The same thing's happened in other circumstances - each year I invigilate for a FE College (although I haven't this Summer because I've been at Nationwide) and I was promoted at a point where I thought, 'are they sure about this?'. Someone thought I knew more than I actually did.

I was at a Community Forum one evening, sitting quietly at the back, amid about 150 other people, looking at the paperwork, when I get a tap on my shoulder asking me if I'm Professor so-and-so from the University of East London, there to give a speech. Blimey! Well, I did used to work at UEL (I left when I was pregnant) but I was only an administrator in the Registry at the time. Maybe having worked at a University you get a certain 'look'? Mysterious?

I often think, I'm going to get found out one day. Someone will realise that it's all bluff.........that I don't fit in.....

Why am I writing all this? I don't know.... Although, in a way, I do know. I'm at a point in my life where I want to 'do' something. I was talking about it with the Chair of Governors on Saturday evening. I used to have a career (Branch Manager at Nationwide) but that all finished in 1989 when I took redundancy. There was a rationalisation programme because they needed to reduce the management levels. I'd had quite a bit of illness and been in and out of hospital, all related to gynae problems. Knowing I would need IVF to get pregnant, the redundancy money would come in handy; I knew I didn't want to work once I had the baby (if I should be blessed), so I left. I then worked at UEL for 5 years and left there to have Elizabeth (3rd attempt at IVF). I still knew people at Nationwide and they contacted me when Lizzie was 18 months old and asked if I wanted to help out Saturdays (great, I thought!) and the rest is history. Elizabeth's of an age where I'm not required so much - I don't need to do school runs any longer, so I could do something else now. I don't want to work full-time with the Society (oh, no!) but I don't know what else to do. I was looking around the room at the 'do' and felt really envious of the staff at School. They have 'vocations', and professional status. They are doing something worthwhile, although it helps to be in such a high-performing school. I had applications in for Teacher's Training College when I was in the 6th Form but...I didn't have the courage to go away from home. I'd also met John (I was 17, he was 22). So I didn't go. I've not had too many regrets, and I often wonder if I would have stuck to teaching, but at least I would have given it a chance. It's so true about youth being wasted on the young. I wish I knew and felt then what I do now!

I need to take stock I think. I need to find something for me; something that is going to fill a void that's beginning to open up somewhere within me. John and I need to talk (dinner somewhere I think, as it's impossible to have a proper conversation with Madam around).

We're going to have to get our heads together Mrs Lard......

LATER: -

I've already started doing something for me. I've just got back from the Adult Education Centre having enrolled for a Pilates course and an entry level French course. I wanted to do Italian but it's on a Thursday morning and because the Pilates is on a Tuesday afternoon that would mean that I wouldn't be able to work 2 days a week. So, French at 9.30am and then Pilates at 12.30pm. I also wanted to enrol for the Salsa class on Tuesday evening but the course has been closed due to staffing problems. But, oh well, I tried!

Importantly, this means that I won't be available for work on a Tuesday, which will make it so much easier to say, 'No!'.